Today I am in a dark place, lost inside myself where nothing else can reach. I start this blog as a sort of message in a virtual or cosmic bottle to reach to other human beings that might also be in pain, alone, with a bleeding soul.
I am 52, I put in my company ALL I had and all went to hell. I lost everything but the worst part is not even that, it is seeing those ‘friends’ I had were there just for the money, to squeeze all they could and now that I have nothing they either go away (if I am lucky) or just stare at me with a vulturesque smile.
I cannot just sit here and list all bitter experiences. That would be just digging even deeper… I reach out looking for some sense. Was all this pain part of a universal plan so I learn and become a better person? Is life just a random succession of stochastic steps and in the end we just cease to exist? Is there any meaning in my suffering, in my mistakes, in my pain?
I have been depressed for more than 2 years. Now it is affecting my marriage and my daughter and believe me, I would gladly blow my brains out before hurting my wife or my daughter. Depression is a strange thing, a black hole of energy, of life, of future… I don’t have energy to shave, I don’t want to eat, I just want to cease existing, cease my life, stop breathing. And then, somehow, I still breath, my heart still pulsates blood to my brain, I still look through the window and see snow and trees. I still have dreams, plans, a laptop and a business model… I can rearrange my project, minimize the initial investment needed, generate an Excel scenario with financials, cash flows and Gantt steps to follow.
I am focused in the biotech/pharma industry. More precisely in pediatric rare diseases. I have seen kids die of terrible afflictions, just go down, lose the light in their eyes, the strengh in their muscles… I wanted to change the world, develop new drugs against those diseases, save them. But I failed, I chose the wrong partners (that was MY mistake, I admit it), people who managed to divert me from my main goal and for this I also blame myself because I trusted them when I shouldn’t have. I have my intelligence intact, my instinct, my mind, but I don’t have my heart anymore, I have no energy, no passion left. I just sit or close my eyes on bed. Nobody wants to be with a person that is down, deep in shit, in pain, in debt, in depression.
Yes, I can see crisp, clean and white snow through my window, trees still sleeping through this winter that will end soon. Yes, I decided to take my life, to end this pain. Only my daughter’s face prevents me from doing it. I wait, looking at my watch, for her to arrive from school, to listen to her count of how her day was, what friend did/said what, what subjects did she study today. I look at my wife, that marvellous human being that I am hurting every minute and I want to hold her or to just rest my head on her knees and cry or sleep or talk for hours, but I keep in silence, instead. We have lost our house, our car, our savings, our friends, our dogs… She is still here, sad though still at my side, I wonder for how long…
I have experienced the thrilling chills of scientific discovery, of molecules that only existed in my imagination, coming to life and then treating cultured cells from these kids and curing them in the lab, under my eyes. That is an inefable feeling, there are no words to describe it because there is one entire and split second where and when you KNOW, for the first time, that you have the chance of saving a human being. Yes, I still have that, but it is also fading away.