My week wasn’t bad. I fought back the darkness in my head, I worked some good hours, did the dishes, cooked but still cannot sleep 8 full hours. No, my mind becomes light, like hot air, at night. I see monsters in the darkness, I feel them crawling these walls, my bed, the desk… I can reasonably fight my fears back for some daily hours but at night they are strong. Fear tricks my mind into realities that don’t exist and my heart pounds inside my chest, I breath shortly and anxiety claims back its grounds.
Fear is my enemy. I can understand it from a rational poit of view, I read Jung and all the others and yes, they make sense, but at night not much sense is left. Fear is a heavy load to carry along the way, it makes you feel heavy and very slow. Your mind claims a pathway and actions but you are slow or even paralyzed. During the weekends is not that bad but then Sunday late in the evening I am weaker and weaker. Fear feasts on my heart becoming stronger as I go down.
Fear creates monsters and lies in my head and I am confused by them. Confusion I don’t need. Fear is the enemy. Why? Where does it come from? Myself?