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Living on the surface of my brain

Focusing on small simple steps…

I could finally shave today, the way I always liked it, very hot water, warm soap and brush, safety razor… I applied the soap, abundantly, let it work on my 3-day beard, then shaved once, washed my face, applied more soap and shaved a second time, then a third one. After 3 repetitions, my hard beard is gone and my face is smooth and soft. It is not about looks, it is about taking control of my acts, myself, for 15-20 minutes and doing it by focusing on myself.

Depression is there, preying on my mind, hidden in corners and drawers of my brain, patiently changing its chemistry. I know, I have been defending myself against it for over 2 long and dark years. Few weeks ago I realized I had been fighting depression on its grounds, where it is strong: my fears, my sadness, my lack of energy. Then I thought I might chose other grounds, so I decided to work far away from my interior, meaning I began focusing on very simple and routinary things, like preparing coffee, frying and egg, breathing slowly for 5 minutes, etc. In the last 2 weeks I shaved few times and none in the last 3-4 days, so today I did it. Yes, a small and simple thing, but a victory for my heart…

That small victory gave me strength to prepare a hot coffee, eat a bit and then sit down in front of my laptop, open Excel and start working on a new project. I was very good at this, I used to have a knack for long-term vision, product development, cost analysis, development timing, time to market, marketing strategies… I failed choosing partners but now I don’t want any, so I don’t need to worry about that. I opened a new Excel file and began working. I could work for an hour or so, very efficiently. It was my first good hour in a long time. I went for another coffee and then my strength was gone but I didn’t panic, I just worked very slow now but still working…

I remembered I only had to focus on the very simple (superficial) details of what I was doing: turn the laptop on, open the file, type just the first cell, once the first cell was ok, then the second, etc. When all the numbers and financials were in place, open the function library, program JUST ONE function, focus only on extremely simple steps… SO I got a very good hour and a mediocre second hour. Now I write this entry in my blog and once I finish, I will close the blog and send JUST ONE EMAIL to a provider asking for the COGs of some references. I won’t negotiate, won’t work on future inventory or delivery costs or storage or legalities. I will focus on that email until it is sent. Then I will go for another small, tiny step…

I don’t want to think about lack of funding now, or my doubts about myself… No, I want to advance step by step. I will put 8 hours of laptop today and probably will get 2 good ones and 2 mediocre ones, the other 4 will be wasted from a practical point of view but I will put the fight against sadness, surrender and depression. I am an entrepreneur, I don’t want a boss, I want to develop my own ideas and products, what burns inside me, I want to go back to the days when I could push ahead.

No, I won’t fight back depression by deep analysis, I will fight it back on simple grounds, on a daily and routinary basis. Step by step. Years ago I could work 18 hours a day and advance extremely fast. Now I start very slow, but it is COMPOUND INTEREST, so I know tomorrow it will be a bit better, and the day after tomorrow a bit better and so on…

Yes, it was a good shave…


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1 Comment

  1. Exactly! It was a good shave you had, but the real pleasure is in being in control of yourself because you have won this little battle against depression.

    I really think you’ll love this one, that’s why I’ve decided to share it with you.


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